not in my type

ASDA Crimes

2010-06-04T18:36:00.000+01:00

So the other day, some wasteman teef stole my oyster card holder from outside ASDA, which contains in it my debit card, my work card, and my driving licence as WELL as my auto top-up Oyster card (auto top-up? Believe me, in London, that shit is priceless). Instead of using the contents of my pouch to buy himself whatever he wanted on the internet/over the telephone, and hitch limitless free rides around London, he decided to head over to my mother's house brandishing said pouch, demanding a reward before he gave it back. It's technically theft to do this, which makes him a bona fide crim. My mother doesn't keep any cash in the house, at which point he demands a cheque... Which to be any good, he'll have to give her his real name for. Which he does.

This means two important things for society: 1) Britain is well and truly dumbing down, 2) Crime doesn't matter anymore, when the perpetrators are putting that little effort into their jaunts. If Robin Hood had been that lazy and shown such a lack of foreplanning, no one would have ever got fed. If someone robs me, I at least want them to go to a bit of bother, a couple of ransom notes perhaps, instead of just rocking up to my mamma's yard supplying her with his name and digits just in case, you know, she might want to press some sort of charge. Audacious.

"You wanna get fucked from behind!"

2010-05-18T17:36:00.000+01:00

In recent years, a new found recognition and popularity has emerged for the old-skool hip-hop turntablist. One DJ who seems to have found himself in the forefront of this movement is DJ JS-1. Hailing from Queens, New York, JS1’s status was, naturally, raised when, over a decade ago, he formed a popular beat duo with ex “The Roots” beat boxer Rahzel.
JS-1 has released 3 solo albums, “Ground Original,” “Claimstake,” & “Audio Technician” through Fatbeats Distribution, Bomb Records and Studio Distribution, and has toured extensively throughout his career.
He took a few minutes out of his busy Christmas schedule to talk to me about wedding crashing, aeroplane etiquette, and whether or not he would let me raise his children...

Hi JS1! How's it going? What's up in your world at the moment?
Getting ready for the holidays. It's nice to be at home. We were on tour a lot this fall, as usual. The ability to tour is a blessing, but it limits the amount of studio time and family time. So having this time at home is great! Now I can finish up my new album and sleep in my own bed at night.

You seem to be a pretty busy man, what with all the touring you do. How is all that working out?
Touring is great for a lot of reasons. Not only the money, but you get to see the world, and get to bring your music/talent to people all over. The time we spend on stage is so much fun. I always say, we don't get paid to do shows, we get paid to travel. Airports can be a nightmare, but then again I could be doing something I hate to make money. The hardest part of touring, to me, is not being able to be home at the studio. It can hold the creative process up a bit.

With the amount of time you seem to spend on tour, you must have a couple of good stories to tell?
Ha ha ha... Yeah, I got a bunch of funny stories. Like the time I get locked in a hotel bathroom because of a broken door latch and had to pick the lock to get out. Or, being on planes that are so turbulent they drop - to the point luggage falls out- or hit the runway and then pull up full throttle to avoid the wing hitting the ground. Or, seeing Redman climb on top of a speaker that was on fire and keep rhyming while people were spraying the speaker with fire extinguishers. Or, just a few weeks ago a girl in Germany smashed both the heels of her shoes and gave them to me. Or, inviting ourselves into a wedding in our hotel in Warsaw, Poland, and Rahzel grabs the mic and beat boxes (you can see that if you type "Rahzel Polish wedding" on www.youtube.com), it's insane. Or, going around 10,000 ft. mountain cliffs with no guard-rail at 4am in the snow, on a tour-bus with chains on the tires. Or, seeing famous musicians and actors doing hard drugs like crack cocaine. Or, seeing news-reporters who covered the concert go and have sex with a band member on their tour bus. Or, see two acts "kind of" disagree over who is the head-line act. Or see certain musicians be so fucked up that they have conversations with beer bottles alone in a room, or try to climb in a gym locker and lock themselves inside. Or, watch boyfriends get beat-up by security after their girlfriend goes backstage and they get mad. Or the many crazy people you meet on flights. Or just random times, like when we came off a flight at Stansted Airport in England and saw Dustin Hoffman. Rahzel told him he liked his movies, and he told Rah he like his jacket. There's a ton of insane stories. Some gross, some sad, some funny, some typical.

Who's the most exciting famous person you've ever met? How was that experience?! Have you ever met someone you hoped would be really cool, and they turned out to be a total dick?
Wow, it's weird. Well I've met a variety of people, all types. I've learned that the way they act is usually depending on the surroundings and who else is around. I haven't had too many bad experiences. I've met super-famous people like Will Smith. I actually recorded a song with him, Jazzy Jeff and a friend of mine, DJ Spinbad. Will was a nice guy. I DJed with by friend DJ Ody-Roc at a birthday party for Gene Simmons (KISS), and he was cool too. I met Tommy Lee and of course he was cool. In Hip Hop, I've met so many people. From legends like KRS-one, EPMD, Big Daddy Kane, Slick Rick, Doug E Fresh, Common, Pharoahe Monch, Redman, DJ Premier to the new acts like Dilated People, ILL BILL, J-Live, Planet Asia, etc... Everyone is cool. I did meet Lauren Hill twice, one time was earlier in her career, and she was much nicer then. I also remember John Legend's security people asking us and De La Soul to leave a certain backstage area we all shared. More than being a dick, I remember Bootsy Collins being the coolest guy I ever met. I went with Rahzel to Bootsy's house/studio in Ohio for three days. He was such a nice guy. Told tons of great stories, tons of knowledge, had an incredible studio, etc. He gave me one of his FX pedals. Classic... That was one of the best moments because we got to actually hang with Bootsy for a few days. It’s strange because one of my favourite producers, if not my favourite, by far, is DJ Premier of Gangstarr. It's a coincidence that he happens to now live close to me and we are friends. So it's very strange to me, but knowing him is great. Meeting a lot of old skool DJs was also a great experience for me. To meet and get recognition from legends like Afrika Bambaataa, Jazzy Jeff, Jazzy Jay, Grand Wizard Theodore, Cash Money, and especially Jam Master Jay (RUN DMC) was incredible. The time JMJ actually stood on the side of the stage and watched what I did, and liked it, was HUGE for me. I still want to be like JMJ. You know it's funny, I met Grandmaster Flash a few times, and he was usually nice, but once or twice he was kind of a dick, but then again he is the man, and so can do what he wants!

How is it being a part of the Rock Steady Crew? How did that come about?
Well, that is an honour. They have such a long-standing tradition of real Hip Hop and come from the true skool roots and foundation of what I love. There are not too many DJs down; it's mainly dancers, so it is really an honour. I've been around a long time and have always been to the Rock Steady and Zulu anniversaries back in the day. You know and meet people, you stay active in the same circle and with the same goal to preserve and promote the art. Besides DJing, I have also been doing graffiti for many years. It all ties in. Anyways, Crazy Legs decided to induct me into the crew at the first-ever Rock Steady Anniversary in L.A., in 2002 maybe? I forget the year. I'm all about preserving the Hip Hop music we grew up on, and being a member of RSC is perfect for me. I’m honoured to be down.

You played at ATP Festival earlier this month. How was that experience for you? How does playing an alternative music festival compare to things like the Hip Hop Elements tour you recently did? Do you find yourself playing many alternative festivals across the world?
I love playing all types of concerts and festivals. Being a DJ, I love and listen to all types of music. I'll scratch anything! Being with Rahzel, who also does tons of genres of music; it's a lot of fun. We do a variety of style of shows. The ATP fest. was great. The crowd seemed like they really enjoyed it. We go diverse, from scratching Led Zep and Run DMC, to beat boxing Aaliyah, Black Sabbath and Busta Rhymes. I would say the main difference between some of the bigger festivals as opposed to things like the Elements tour would be the lesser concentration of real knowledgeable fans. At bigger shows most people just want to see and hear something good and be entertained. At something like the Elements tour there's more die-hard fans who have seen us perform a few times and know every song, etc... They demand a little more sometimes. I just enjoy being on stage and having fun. Most big festivals are usually a good vibe. We'll play a tour in Australia with the Beastie Boys and Snoop Dogg, and then play a show in the States with OAR, Maroon 5, Puddle of Mudd, etc and then play a show with Roni Size in the UK. Being diverse is much better, and it allows us to perform at way more events.

Did you get to see any of the other acts at ATP? If so, who was your favourite? Would you ever play another one?
To be honest, I didn't get to see much. But, I would have liked to see Kool Keith, The Cuban Acapella band, Fantomas, etc... I did see Neil Hamburger, the comedian, before we performed. I enjoyed his sense of humour. It was funny because it was his act to not be funny. Anyways... Yes, I would love to do ATP again.

I was stood pretty far back so I couldn't see THAT well – did you scratch with your feet?
Ha, ha ha... yeah, I did. It's all about the show and doing something most people haven't seen before, so I go all out. So, to answer your question, yup, I scratched with my feet.

How do audiences from different countries compare to each other?
Most audiences are good but I would say that the less spoiled the audience, the more excited they are, no matter what country. For instance, any city that has tons of groups and shows, the audiences tend to be a little bit less excited as a city that rarely gets good concerts coming through. I guess that's safe to say. But for Hip Hop in general, Japan, France, Switzerland, Holland, Germany, England, Australia, all have great crowds. Sometimes the language barrier can be a bit strange. I think that is what prevents many European Hip Hop acts from breaking in the States. But we don't care; it's all about the beats and the vibe. They love it everywhere. I can sit with someone who doesn't understand one word I say and listen to music with them all day and get along great. The worst part is the food in some countries! The shows are always fine, but the food is not always fine at all!

You and Rahzel seem to have a lovely rapport on stage together. How did you two decide to become a duo? I liked the can't/cunt joke.
Ha ha ha... Yeah that was funny. He just made that up right there, I never heard him say that before. It was funny. Well, we have been touring together now since 1999, so almost ten years. We are very different, yet very similar in a lot of ways. We love to be silly and joke around. The time we have on stage is the main fun we get to have. The rest of our time we spend crammed in vans, airplanes, trains, and buses.
The people also read that energy and vibe with it. We have a fairly loose format of a show and it's all about fun. When the crowd sees the performers having so much fun, they tend to feed into that. And, even if the crowd hated us, we still have a blast while on stage. We met a long time ago by being around the same events in NY. Then a friend of mine was going to DJ for Rahzel but couldn't, so Rahzel asked me to do a few shows with him. 800 shows later, we are still touring....

I've had a look at a couple of your blogs in the past, and came across this: "I could probably go through people's IPods and determine within three minutes if they are a fit parent or not." What bands/artists does a poor parent make?!
Ha ha ha... Well, I wouldn't narrow it down to one group or artist, although if your whole IPod is Lil Jon songs, you are probably not the best parent. But it would be more so if you only have one type of music in your IPod. Those kind of people scare me and I wouldn't trust them with children anyways. You need to be a little open-minded, a little diverse... and if everything is only depressing, or only way too energetic and 900 miles an hour. Either extreme is scary. An over-abundance of sex songs... A noticeable absence of some of the best groups of all times. If you don't have ANY of them, there are some issues going on. Trust me, I don't need a long time to go through someone's IPod and make a good decision on them.

On my MP3 player I have, amongst other things, Britney Spears, Saves the Day, Girl Talk, Seal, PJ and Duncan (PLEASE Google PJ and Duncan if you don't know who I am talking about here, I would be very interested to hear your opinion on them), Redd Kross, Whitehouse and The Jesus Lizard. On a scale of 1-10, using your I-Pod method of deduction, how fit am I to become a parent?!
The first thing I see is the first name you put, and I can't help but immediately think that listening to a bad parent sing must somewhat make you a bad parent? But then again we all listen to Ozzy, and his kids are insane. Well, Seal is alright, but the PJ & Duncan thing? Is that serious? An ex-TV pop duo, huh? Interesting. Not sure who Girl Talk is but the name makes me not like it anyways. Well, I would have to check your ENTIRE IPod to make a true evaluation, but if all the music resembles the few on your brief list you gave me, it doesn't look good.

What's on your I-pod? How does your selection rank you as a parent?
I don't have an IPod. But, on my Blackberry phone I do have some songs that I listen to. There's a huge variety of music on there, from Rakim and KRS-One, Rage Against The Machine, Al Green, The Beatles, De La Soul, The Doors, Pink Floyd, Nas, Del, James Brown, Redman, Jackie Wilson, Stevie Wonder, Ghostface, Miles Davis, Frank Sinatra, U2, The Police, Jamiroquai... My selections would rank me as someone who is fairly open-minded, relaxed, acts his age, and someone I would allow to touch the radio while I was driving (and that is RARE). If I let you touch the radio while I'm driving, then I would let you raise my kid.

You also seem to have an issue with aeroplane etiquette. I flew to America earlier this year on holiday, and I definitely took every single free thing they offered me, just because, you know, it was free. I also took my shoes off, but to my knowledge, my feet do not smell, and I was moderately concerned about the risk of DVT. I also lost my camera, because this woman started shouting at me to hurry up and get off the plane, so I left it behind in a hurried panic, although that's sort of beside the point. Should I be banned from ever entering an aeroplane again?
If your feet smell, yes you are to be banned! At least from sitting near me! Well, I know, most people do take everything, but I fly so much that it has become fascinating to watch people routinely take stuff ONLY because it is offered. You'll see a guy drink a gigantic drink before he gets on the plane and then immediately take another drink the first chance he gets offered one on the flight. It's incredible. Anyways... You failed the test when getting off the plane! It's so much easier to just let the screaming pushing people go ahead of you. I always do that. They get nowhere fast. It's only a race to baggage claim and your luggage might be last. So as of now, you are not banned - yet -but you need to learn the frequent traveller rules. It will help. What's sad is that the food was so bad on our French tour that I couldn't wait to get on the flight home, just for the airplane food!

While I was in America, it was only a couple of weeks until the Obama vs. McCain election, and the buzz surrounding it was pretty infectious, even as someone who couldn't vote. How was it for you as an American? It must have been pretty disillusioning having someone like Bush running your country for eight years. Do you feel now that things ARE going to change, for the better, or is there a lingering sense of "politics is politics", and it doesn't really make a difference who's in charge, things are never going to be right for everyone?
There will never ever be a difference. There never was a difference. The people who vote Democrat and for Obama will be in the same position they are in now in four or eight years when he is gone. To me, because of the way our system is set up, I don't even bother to vote. The system is designed that NY (where I live) will always delegate its electoral college votes for the Democrat party. So why vote? For example, NY gets 34 votes toward who we elect President. 4.5 million voted for Obama, 2.5 million voted for McCain, but all 34 go to Obama. NY will always have more Democrat voters, so why would anyone vote? The decision is pre-determined. I would only vote to change the system, add third and fourth parties, and not just two. And maybe down the line things might change, but otherwise there is a system and the way things are (and have to be) done. That's just how it is. It's way too much to get into, but anyone could have ran against Bush and won, and don't get it confused, Obama didn't win by much. Half the US doesn't agree with him. He got a little over 50 million votes but McCain got 46 million, and tens of millions of people didn't even bother to vote. Like I say, the only real change will be if they allow other parties equal attention. I would vote for a party somewhere in the middle of where McCain and Obama stand. To me, they are both a little wacky.

I once dated a DJ. He was really really bad at basically everything, but in particular, scratching. And mixing. Do you have any tips for any would be turntablists out there on how not to absolutely suck?
Ha ha ha... sucks for you. We good DJs are good with our hands! Well the main thing is practice. The more time you spend scratching or mixing, the better you get at it. I would also say to learn the basics before you attempt the hard stuff. Everyone is always trying to jump ahead and not learn the basic stuff. Trust me, do that first. It's all about getting a feel for the records with your hands, getting an ear for matching beats, and then learning how to move both your hands to duplicate the scratch patterns. Just like playing an instrument like guitar, don't expect to learn it over night. Most of the best scratch DJs have been doing that for 15 years or more.

I think I'd make a pretty good DJ. I would call myself DJ Briony Styles, and I would exclusively deal in stuff like, Belinda Carlisle, Foreigner, and Ultravox. Forgetting for now that I can't even work a pair of decks, do you think there's a place for me in the cruel world of hip hop yet? Yes? Then, how about a tour together?!
Well, don't laugh, you'd be surprised. The female DJ thing is huge now! There are so many female DJs out there getting paid. I can’t say I agree with a lot of it, because most of them suck and are taking jobs from real DJs, but we can go make some money! As far as what music, it doesn't even matter. We determine what’s cool, right? when you are big, you make the trend, fuck 'em. So I'll give you a brief DJ lesson, and we get you on the road. I manage, I stay home and relax, and I take 20 percent? Okay? Great.

I bet you thought LARPing was for freak nerds, right?

2010-04-15T15:58:00.000+01:00

LARPing must be the greatest invention in the history of mankind. What could possibly be better than a load of teenage boys who have no friends running around in solemn forests and casting each other down with spells and manna? That's right, it's when they capture it on film and add a shit load of special effects for the production-value-discerning viewing public.

My favourite of the videos uploaded to youtube has to be this one, just because holy shit check out those GRAPHIX!!! SIQ SUPA SWEET SFX O YEA!!! I also love it when the "ogre" admits defeat (sorry, spoiler) and the only chick there is all like clapping and cheering. You can tell she's going to be a right goer when she's older.

I also absolutely LOVE this one because of the sheer ferocity of the ogre who's totally slaying that dude when the shot opens, and then it moves on to him battling that other dude and he completely flouts the conventions of ROLE PLAY (ie PRETENDING) and just shabby headbutts his opponent right in the face. My absolute favourite part, though, is when the dude in red comes sauntering in around the 10 second mark, makes the lamest attempt I've ever seen at a counter attack and then falls away into obscurity when "ogre" sort of swats him away like a fly. I definitely went to school with boys like that. Total bedwetter. Other notable highlights: The green dude who's just sort of stood there at the beginning has his hand raised about half way through, and the camera pans across it: homeboy is MARRIED!!! I would have liked to have witnessed that union.

I was going to use this one to show why chicks should never get involved in LARPing, until I realised it's not actually girls in the video, it's just the two youngest members of Hanson. My mistake. I was hoping the "owning" in this vid was pertaining to one of them falling into the road behind and getting mauled by oncoming traffic. I was disappointed.

Have you noticed...

2010-03-20T11:28:00.000Z

Why do all men, prominent in Hollywood, and of a certain age, look EXACTLY the same? Have a look below at three stalwarts (sort of) of yester-year pop culture.

Kevin Costner here, is boasting dinosaur tracks rather than crows-feet, and that scruffy fringe isn't distracting anyone from the final bout of hair loss, come to wage its ultimate battle. Accepting male pattern baldness is the key to aging gracefully, which is obviously something

Brucey knows all too well. Willis has undergone the old head-upside-down treatment here, possibly in the hopes that as long as he's sporting hair somewhere on his head/face area, no one will notice too harshly how old he's looking.

Is it Kevin Costner? Is it Michael Bolton? Well, yeah, actually, it IS Michael Bolton, aka "Generic past it former celeb no. 3", although anyone would be forgiven in a) not remembering who the fuck Michael Bolton actually is, or b) thinking that was just another shot (albeit a hugely photoshopped one) of aforementioned KC due to the fact their faces are basically exactly the same (that "no." up there would have actually been a hash sign if I were able to figure out HOW TO GET ONE on this stupid fucking senseless Macintosh creation).

So why is it that these men have all morphed into one? Does a certain number of years' exposure to Courvoursier, "hot chicks", cameras, and err, whatever else they have in Hollywood cause some sort of mutant gene reaction? Will the next time we see these men be in X-MEN 4: Real Life Mutants - A Documentation of Broken Spirit and Deep Set Wrinkles? Actually, I hope it is, because that'd be worth watching for the tragedy alone.

Sex lines and me.

2010-02-21T17:36:00.000Z

This morning, as I was searching Google for the lyrics of Wet Wet Wet's "Love is All Around" (don't ask), a little advertisement popped up on my screen, which stated that if I texted in to their number, quoting the keyword "NAME", then I would be supplied with the first initial of my future husband. "Oh, joy!" thought I. finally, I was to be supplied with the answers I have been searching for for so long. Should I stay true to my darling boyfriend, or should I act on my secret crush? To whom was I to be ultimately united in matrimony? And all for just £4.50!

With my thumbs poised tentatively over the number pad, I began composing my message. "Dear Jamster", it read. "Please can you tell me..." and then, something in my mind clicked (okay, so I was never actually going to text in, but just go with it for the sake of story telling) and seriously... This stuff, I know, is meant to be targeting bored, naive teenagers, but shit, are they even this stupid? Even at 13 I'm pretty sure I never would have believed that something like this could be based on fact (I am, at this point, going to ignore the hours spent in my youth, trying to work out how compatible me and Nick Torry were using that cross off the letters in your name, add them up and work it out system, which, given the fact I used to average about 87%, I can confirm, is WILDLY inaccurate).

I've been thinking that, maybe if people are REALLY looking for a way to waste money, I should open my own text line. I think I'd call it "The Scientology Verse of the Day" text line. Because, Jamster has proven that the less something is based in reality, the more chance I have of the public texting in, and I'm hopeful that I'd get a high enough number of genuine nutters teamed with ironic students to make it a success. As both these text-lines are about as bullshit-centric as each other, it should therefore follow that they should be equally as successful.

If all that fails, I can always take the sex-text route. We've all seen the adverts late at night, raunchily dressed women rolling around on a bed, "text me", they're mouthing. And they're winking. God, how arousing. But then... Wait. Wait one minute! Look at the screen a bit closer. These women aren't arousing. They aren't arousing at all! It has all been a ruse, and they couldn't actually have chosen to advertise with more boner-crippling women if they'd tried.

On this basis, and bearing in mind that the trodden path of advertising sexlines relies heavily upon emphasising crushingly unsexy imagery and blatant extortion in return for basically nothing, when I advertise MY sex line, I'll just have a 10 second still of a penis on a guillotine, with the rolling text on the bottom reading "text FANNYTITS to 08100 for the most depressing sexual experience of a lifetime!" Add it all together, and my guess is that it can't fail.

In other news, Gmail seems to have taken to supplying me with a "funny quote of the day". This fact is worrying enough in itself, as Gmail does that whole "links we think you'd like" thing, based on what's going on in your emails. Obviously someone at Google thinks I need to lighten up. Anyway, today's reads "When I met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always!" by Rita Rudner. Really? Really?! That's the best you could come up with?! Well, thanks Google, if I didn't want to shoot myself in the face before, then I certainly do now.

A real reason to be alive

2009-08-03T09:41:00.002+01:00

Gangster's Paradise is now only the second top reason to love Coolio.

Tastes better than yo momma's titties.

Die hard with a massive love for Bruce Willis

2009-08-03T08:31:00.008+01:00

Last night I watched Die Hard with a Vengeance, and although I already wrote that other entry about how shabby and old Bruce is looking these days (I'll pay for that when I'm in my 50s and sagging (even more) all over, so my mother tells me), instead of focusing on the bad, I'm revoking all mean comments I made about him (apart from what a shame it is he's a dickhead republican), and instead right now I want to provide you all with a fun and interesting gallery of snapshots of his former glory.

A dreamboat AND a gay rights campaigner? Sure!

Is biz school worth it?

Bruce Willsteen.

I'm mean, but man, I'm gonna rescue you good.

White sneaks and tight blue jeans mean Bruce is allllll right.

Live free to die hard.

Is that her from When Harry Met Sally?

It's just a shame he's called Bruce, really.

I am well shit!

2009-04-28T22:37:00.003+01:00

God, what a slacker I am. Why do I only ever post here to say how slack I've been? Well, it's because I've been working on a new blog about how much I (we, really) all hate our jobs. It's funny (sometimes) and a good way to waste time at work, plus your employers will all be totally stoked when they look through your browsing history and see you've been hitting up a website called I Hate My Job. To this end, head over and check it out (please).

I hate my job.

More here when I have any hours at all left in the day. xxx

Happy Passover!

2009-04-09T09:43:00.005+01:00

So, despite my frequent postuering to suggest otherwise, I am not Jewish. No, it's all a lie. Despite my upbringing celebrating certain Jewish festivals, this was all just to appease my long-labouring Jewish neighbour, who would slave for hours over a hot passovering stove, but find himself at the end of it all with a distinct lack of comrades to share it with. That's where we came in. This has left me with two things: an enduring case of Jew envy, and a very foul mouth. My (jewish) friend's (jewish) ex-boyfriend (spotting a theme in my associates? It's coincidental. Really) once told me that I'd make a great Jew. I'm more than inclined to agree. "You'd spend all day at temple, talking shit about other womens hats, and all the scandalous things their sons had been up to... You'd be brilliant at it", he remarked. It's totally true. I would talk about their hats. I would.

So: Jews. What's not to love? They have Woody Allen (weird but overall, OK), Larry David (awesome), David Schwimmer (er... Was in Curb, so overall OK?), the entire Jew Crew (including my boyfriend, YEAH, MY BOYFRIEND, Jason Segel), and yeah, tons of other cool guys. Tons. So, with this in mind, let us take this opportunity to wish happy passover to the Jewish community world wide, by having a look at this list of top ten Jewish musicians! Oi Vey!

This morning, as I departed for work, my mother cornered me. She'd obviously been trying to work out, again, where she went so wrong in the bringing-up of my sister and I. It's a frequent event. "Did we shout at you too much as a child, Briony?" Knowing that there would be no possible right answer to this minefield laiden question, I hedged my bets and responded "Er... I can't remember. Really. Can't remember at all." This was not enough. "Oh... That means we didn't shout enough... We obviously didn't shout enough..." she mumbled, trailing off and wandering into the kitchen with a blank expression. Now, me and my sister, we may have our foibles, or our eccentricities, but I hardly think we constitute "bad parenting must be to blame" territory. No teenage pregnancies, no criminal records, no significant substance abuse, no addictions, we both have jobs (just), and she even has a boyfriend! Maybe she's thinking about my vegetarianism. Yeah, it's probably that.

I've just listened to the same radio jingle for...

2009-04-08T19:03:00.005+01:00

Some 118 number about 15 times in the last hour. It has driven me to the edge of insanity, and if the thought of being on my own in this office until 7.30 tonight wasn't enough to inspire suicidal idealation, then that certainly was.

Then they start playing Keane. I think I might cry.

I saw my old school's orchestra on the One Show last night. They were on a boat, sailing down the Thames, playing Handel whilst that really gay man shouted at them, from a separate boat, also sailing down the Thames, "LOUDER! PLAY LOUDER!" ... Seems like the kind of thing my more sinister dreams could be made out of, right? Wrong: I would almost definitely always be shamefully naked in my horror dreams and, even worse, completely unskilled in my instrument of choice. Neither of those things occured in this snippet. So there you go.

Anyway, back to the radio (wow this post is so multimedia filled!), I really don't know why the people at XFM have seen fit to punish so many people across the UK by placing Dave Berry at the helm of their drivetime show. I mean, I could get up and change the station, but it's some fusty old boombox and the fine tuning is way not good enough to allow any sort of enjoyable dial-surfing. More importantly, I definitely can't be bothered. Maybe they've made an arrangement with the government, and it's just part of one big conspiracy to ease us in to gradual yet significant torture; think V for Vendetta. The next step is going to be all five terrestrial (sp?) channels being governed and curated by Mylene Klass. Be afraid.

My life, it runs away from me!

2009-04-06T21:47:00.003+01:00

So the other day this old woman came in to one of my work places, and shared with me her theory that scientists have been sending things up into space, which have been "tampering with the moon" and messing with its orbit cycle, in turn making it move quicker, and therefore, making time actually pass faster. "Ha, ha, yes, oh you might be right!" I politely chuckled back. Obviously that was just me and my platitudes, but I must say, given the rate of this year's passing, by gosh, I think she might be onto something.

And so alas, the first entry in over two weeks (I have been busy! Writing! For people! Who do not pay me!) is really just a round up of my output elsewhere on the internet.

A new website I have been writing for launched last week, and my humble offerings thus far can be found here, here, and here. I am also writing for a new singles reviews website, which is actually really fucking good, so check that out here, should that be your own particular bag. My first reviews will be up on Thursday, I think (such is my tardiness in getting started, whoops).

That's all for now. Party on, friends. Oh, I dyed my hair brown, too. I now look like Wayne from Wayne's world, as opposed to Garth. Whether this is good or bad remains to be seen...

I don't like to judge, but seriously???

2009-03-17T11:47:00.008Z

Okay, that was a complete lie. I love to judge people all the time, and frequently do so with minimal information on their situations or personal circumstances. Fuck all that stuff, I don't give a shit. Someone rings me up at work and needs an appointment for their STDs? JUDGED.

However, that was a complete tangent, and the actual interesting thing to look at today comes in the form of this story from Sky News, which details that this dude (who suffers from Downs Syndrome)'s mum has recently launched a campaign to get him to fornicate with a woman (no men, I'm assuming), and has even set up a BEBO account to facilitate this (the blurb reads "MY NAME IS OTTO BAXTER I LOVE HAM PIZZAS AND A FAMOUS ACTOR I HAVE MANY GOOD FRENDS SUCH AS STUART BROOKS.. JAMIE BAKER.. JACK ARGLES.. TODD AND DAVE FROM THE PRINCES TRUST... "... Right then, that'll help).

She stipulates that she's begun this campaign on the basis that "I have sold him this thing that he is like everybody else". Now, forgetting the fact that a lack of action hardly constitutes an abnormal set up (AM I RITE???), the overwhelmingly bizarre and actually quite questionable part in this so-called quest for normality is that this broad (who's obviously a screaming hippy) seems to have forgotten that it's NOT EXACTLY NORMAL FOR YOUR MOTHER TO BE SCOURING THE GLOBE FOR SOMEONE WITH WHAT SHE ASSUMES WILL HAVE TO BE LOW ENOUGH STANDARDS TO LET YOU STICK IT IN HER. Fine, get him to join a football team or volunteer in a shop, but this is really crossing some very definitely wrong line. Ease off, mum. Ease off.

Oh God, it's March already. Why don't I have a job yet?!

2009-03-12T21:46:00.003Z

Holy fuck, it's already March and not one single update for you people. I can only apologise. Or not, as the case may be. Whatever. I have been oppressively busy of late, as those curmudgeonly employers of mine have been insisting that I actually DO WORK ALL DAY, instead of sitting around allowing myself a good 1.5 hour break at a time to do some serious writing (the results of which are rarely seen on these pages. SORRY). Thus, all my free time has been spent writing job applications for positions I will invariably not be chosen.

So, some good things to have happened since my last update:

I discovered this blog, which proves to be consistently both informative and hilarious,

I went on a trip down the canals of North London with my entire extended family. My Grandma told me she didn't like my hair, or choice of lipstick, but we did stop in Camden where I picked up a super sweet and essential Necros record,

I saw all my favourite people play this gig, where I met a boy with whom I have formed a computer club.

NOT BAD GOING, HUH?

Better, more interest news soon. I PROMISE.

Most incredible thing to ever happen to music.

2009-02-25T18:40:00.001Z

Think hard about what that news could be. Johnny Cash has risen again? No. Madonna has vowed to never again present herself to the modern world wearing only an inappropriate leotard? No, not that either. Slash is offering free guitar lessons to anyone who can play Guitar Hero on expert? Guess again! It's actually the news that ex-members of Cheap Trick, The Smashing Pumpkins, HANSON and, er, Fountains of Wayne have actually collaborated together on a new band called Tinted Windows.

Could it be that this is the product of the old too-much-time-in-the-yesterday's-news-club? Possibly. But given their collective pop credentials (massive), my guess is that their already recorded debut will be nothing short of a glittering achievement. Don't let me down boys.

In other news, the British public have to be one of the most repugnant group of people ever to roam this earth. Is this news? maybe not. Better news: I am getting a payrise.

Imminent ill health

2009-02-22T16:18:00.009Z

When you take a look at this list, compiled by The Daily Dust, there really doesn't seem to be much point in living at all, given the fact that basically everything enjoyable and accessible in the modern world (from chips, to facebook, to oral sex) is "SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN" to give you cancer.

If you've ever read Bad Science, you'll know a) how much the tabloids like to scare monger, and b) how unreliable results from most "scientific studies" actually are. Still, you can thank The Daily Fail for making the world so much better by pointing this out.

Poetry 101

2009-02-21T17:40:00.002Z

If you've been sitting at home longing for an injection of modern culture, only you sort of can't really be bothered to pick up a book and read, and it's too cold to trapse over the river to the Tate Modern, then Poetcasting could be the thing for you. Poetcasting, as you can probably guess from the name, is basically a selection of different poets reading out their own works, (so as you can expect, there's a large amount of relatively new and unknown writers in there), and making them available for download in the form of a Podcast.

They also have the odd well-known poet, and have established a presense in the exciting world of social networking (get at them on (myspace facebook and twitter), therefore making it easy to be kept up to date on the world of poetry via various news-feeds. It's actually quite a fun way to spend an hour or two.

Uncoolio in the kitchen

2009-02-21T17:35:00.000Z

I was overjoyed when I found out that Coolio was to be starring in this year's Celebrity Big Brother. Not that I'm a particularly big BB fan, but Coolio? Every night? On MY television?! Yes please! I love Coolio, not least for Gangster's Paradise, but more for Cooking With Coolio, his cooking show on My Damn Channel. My favourite part of him being on Big Brother was when he indignantly shouted in the diary room "but I'm a chef! I have my own cookery programme!" when he wasn't allowed anything to do with the shopping list.

If any of you have ever seen Cooking With Coolio, you'll know that at one point he deep-fries a whole turkey, and his mark of a good dish is its tasting "better than yo momma's titties". He's no Heston Blumenthal.

However, my initial excitement quickly dissipated when I realised that Coolio is actually a bit of a twat. On entering the house, one of his quotes on the experience he was about to undertake was that he "hoped there were no ugly women".

This made me bristle instantly, because a) I always feel a bit uncomfortable when someone's cussing "ugly"/"fat"/whatever girls because I'm like "what? What? Have you just not realised I'm sat RIGHT HERE?!", and b) fucking get a grip Coolio, you're going into a house, getting paid shitloads, and it's only for three weeks, what difference is it going to make if the women are ugly or not?

My initial worries were cemented as Coolio developed a pretty massive grudge against actress Tina Malone, which apparently seemed to be based on the fact she was offending him by being "ugly". Accusatory glances when she was let loose in the kitchen, "hungry bitch gone ate it all up", making the hugest deal ever about the fact she looked like the troll princess from Shrek, what?! He's almost as bad as Mick "women don't deserve to be alive unless they're thin and beautiful" Hucknall (apart from Coolio's dreads aren't ginger, and his songs are infinitely better). And I really don't like Mick Hucknall.

So, now, my admiration is lying in tatters around Coolio's metaphorical feet, and I can barely watch Cooking with Coolio without tears pouring out of my eyes and down my face. Okay, that's not strictly true, and to be honest, there's more important controversy to come out of the newest Celebrity fish tank, what with Ben Adam's admission that he'd happily play a concert for the BNP, but still, it's just another unfortunate tick in the "celebrities are horrors" box.

Read this if you want to read about Sartre.

2009-01-18T17:53:00.003Z

This is an essay I wrote when I was at University (back when I used to know stuff), I decided in a flutter of academic appreciation that I would post it all for you to read. Skip if you don't like being bored.

According to Sartre, all human beings are, and have always been, “condemned to being free” . In short, in the context of Sartre’s writings, this translates to the ability to maintain the capacity to make decisions and choices completely at will, with minimum restraints. Of course, Sartre does admit to a vague limitation on the freedom of human beings; for example, staying within the clutches of what is physically possible for the human body (a man cannot decide to carry a child). However, I will be discussing how these limitations have been said to cause something of a paradox in Sartre’s writings. Furthermore, Sartre never argues in a logical form precisely why we are metaphysically free, he merely assumes it, applying this assumption to the explanation of his conception of freedom. This brings about something of an invalid basis to his conception, leaving it open to much dissent from opposing schools of thought.
Freedom is essentially associated with choice. Sartre’s claim centres around the concept that every human is free to act as they choose, and that every human being is completely free to decide which choice to make in any given situation. Freedom, he claims, is not just a part of consciousness and life, it is a condition necessary to maintain them. Although there may be circumstances in which one choice has much greater value, or a decisively stronger motive, we are always capable of consciously differentiating between these values, and thus our choices are formed. According to Sartre, this is the factor which sets us apart from other members of the natural world, creating one characteristic of the essence. This concept of essence is something Sartre related to the consciousness exclusive to all humans, “it is freedom which is the foundation of all essences, since man reveals intra-mundane essences by surpassing the world toward his own possibilities" . For example, a wardrobe, lacking the consciousness which is so integral to forming a decision or making a choice, merely has things happen to or around it, with no part in initiating them. No conscious decision is made in any given circumstance. As pointed out by G. McCulloch, in contrast to this, even the most oppressed of humans maintain the ability to form decisions “even the subjects of repressive regimes in barren conditions can still make a choice between the raw potato and the squashed tomato.”
So, at this juncture, we are presented with the claim that conscious beings are completely free due to the fact that they maintain at all times the ability and capability to choose. Again citing McCulloch, “metaphysically, who can deny their capacity to choose when given the chance?” This version of freedom, of course, raises objections from various sources. For one, it seems that one is not free to be free. That is, as Sartre points out himself, one is not given the choice to choose freedom; one is freedom “this means that no limits to my freedom can be found except freedom itself, or, if you prefer, that we are not free to cease being free.”
In light of this, one can look more closely into Sartre’s definition of freedom, as it has been widely pointed out that “Sartre’s view of freedom is related to, but refreshingly different from, traditional concerns with the topic” . However, even though, as we have just seen, Sartre claims that the only possible restraint to our freedom is freedom itself, this is undeniably not the case. So, here we can amend the concept of freedom further with some additional restraints proffered by Sartre. He goes on to admit that humans are born into, and to an extent defined by, set situations. “We are born into a certain place at a certain time… which are not of our choosing; and we are committed to living as we do by all these factors, which are built into us and are beyond our control.” Sartre calls this facticity, but supposes that within these situations, we remain completely free to do as we choose. We are however, restrained by ultimately endless groupings of individual forces. For example, the child growing up in a shantytown in Brazil will not be free to make the same decisions as the child growing up in westernised America.
This seems slightly self-defeating, and brings about the first in, what appear to me as, a series of paradoxes. Is limited freedom not something of an oxymoron? Freedom as part of the consciousness seems as though it should be a concept implemented as a whole. As M. Warnock proffers in A Philosophy of Sartre, “Sartre seems to face an acute version of the familiar paradox that human beings are both free and not free” . To place restraints on freedom essentially proposes that humans are, indeed, not truly free. The redefinition he crafts is unsatisfactory as it merely brings forward a change in the semantic value of the concept of freedom, instead of actually addressing and arguing for it.
Another objection comes in the form of the question: why can the process of decision making not be a part of the natural process, just as a cat malting or people ageing? Sartre, as pointed out by Warnock, does seem to be tied to the idea that humans are as much a product and part of their environment as they are free beings. Following from this, it seems possible that this function of “freedom” is just a part of the genetic set up of humans, and here metaphysical freedom reaches yet another problem. Elaborated upon by McCulloch, “is it any less a result of natural process when I wearily choose to reach over an switch on my word-processor?” If not, and with the lack of argument Sartre offers, we see two opposing possibilities, which lead us to the second paradox Sartre is faced with: we are socially, genetically and environmentally defined, whilst still being free.
From the idea of genetics, another criticism can be raised. Although we are restrained by the limitations of the human body, where does Sartre suppose these limitations end? For example, let us look upon the issue of homosexuality. Would Sartre suppose that one can choose their own sexuality? That a series of lifestyle choices are, albeit subconsciously, picked by us and in turn lead us to our own way of living? Many scientists would claim differently, proffering that sexuality is predefined from birth, controlled by the varying hormone levels experienced during gestation. However, due to the lack of evidence involved in both these theories, is it possible that sexuality can be chosen and is indeed in the grips of freedom? Sartre’s vague definitions again here cause problems not just in understanding, but also accepting his conception of freedom.
From this, we have a good basis upon which to introduce the debate between determinists and libertarianism. Unlike Sartre, determinists believe that we are not in fact “free” to make choices as Sartre defines we are. Every action we take part in has a very definite cause, and is part of the natural order, much like the earlier used example of a person ageing. Libertarianism, as opposed to determinism, supposes that human beings are qualitatively different to any other species, and this is due to the freedom of choice and will that we as humans exclusively possess. We are “free because we are outside of the natural or causal order” . Sartre has mainly been said to side with libertarianism over his conception of freedom.
To an extent though, Sartre tackles and agrees with this claim of the determinist, stating that actions do, indeed, have causes, or as he defines them, motives. Motives are a particularly important aspect to Sartre’s metaphysical freedom, as they serve as a way of connecting freedom, and one’s consciousness to the decision making capacity and, indeed, to reality and one’s sense of being. The determinist however will respond with the claim that motives alone cannot explain or account for actions by itself. They do not, when stood alone, offer a satisfactory account for how decisions can be made outside the causal system.
Another objection raised by the determinist against Sartre’s libertarian view, is pointed out in Warnock’s The Philosophy of Sartre. Instead of amending his own account of freedom to meet the complaints of the determinist and account for how freedom of will and action exist beyond the natural and causal system, Sartre merely redefines the term of action to include that freedom is a necessary condition for conscious action at all. In response to this, the determinist can simply redefine the terms used in her argument also. From this, nothing has been resolved or clarified – the semantic basis of the argument has merely shifted.
The concept of nothingness is again an integral part of Sartre’s conception of freedom, and is heavily linked into Sartre’s freedom. It is a concept that needs greater exploration in its own right here. Nothingness, Sartre claims, is the absence, or emptiness we feel when we sense something missing. He cites in Being and Nothingness the example of awaiting the arrival of his confrere Pierre at their regular jaunt in Paris. When Pierre does not arrive, he feels the nothingness of Pierre. This nothingness in relation to freedom is the one thing that shapes your motives. If you are cold, for example, you can, and probably will, choose to turn on the heating or put on a jumper. This is because the absence of heat teamed with the knowledge that this nothingness need not persist form a motive within you to react. The way you react, however, is completely down to the individual – thus entailing our freedom.
On first appraisal, this seems to be one of the most coherent and palatable parts of Sartre’s freedom. The motive, which in itself is caused by a sense of nothingness, and the ability to create negative judgements about the world, leads us to respond to our situation accordingly. It seems to make sense. As pointed out previously by McCulloch, you cannot deny that humans are indeed capable of decision making, and in the making of this decision you never do not have the choice to act in any way you choose. For example, as Sartre himself cites, the man being tortured can make the decision to give up vital information, or endure pain for minutes more. Similarly, even when one of the choices results in death; for example, defying or complying with Hitler’s orders in a work camp, there is still a resonating truth that you are necessarily free to choose what you want.
Sartre maintains however, that motives are peculiar and that in reference to choices, whilst choices do have limits, these limits are unspecific and individual. As Warnock points out, “there could not possibly be any explanation of why my choices as they are and yours as yours are.” However, this seems something of a bone of contention in Sartre’s entire thesis. Surely his concept of facticity is the explanation behind the choices which are offered, and then in turn chosen by us. Along with this, the restraints put upon humans due to the power of their form. Although, agreeably, motives may be stronger or more prominent, there can never be a concise account of why certain things will be chosen above others.
In conclusion, Sartre gives us a very concisely defined version of what he believes freedom to be, and all it entails. Very clearly he states phenomenologically what it is like to be free, and goes into great detail about the motives and where they come from. However, one integral part of a true argument is missing – there is no logical argument form proving his conclusion from any sort of premise – he just presupposes the fact that metaphysically we are free, and uses this assumption to form his entire conception. This weakens his argument significantly. Furthermore, his responses to objections and complaints about his argument are weaker still, with him at one point claiming that the proof of our freedom is in our experiencing it “And that it is such a condition is, he would maintain, a matter of experience” . This proffers no real depth or further explanation into his conception, and indeed merely serves as something of a distraction more than an answer. From this, it can be said that, although sensible in part, Sartre’s freedom lacks any strength of argument and falls down in many places when examined. Thus, critically, his freedom is decisively lacking in coherence, and falls down at the first sniff of a challenge.

Hilton Richie you are the worsts.

2009-01-18T17:48:00.000Z

Paris and Nicole really fucking annoy me. They are complete wankers.

Random Acts of Kindness

2009-01-18T17:42:00.000Z

Today, when Laura and I got off the train at King's Cross station, a man came up to us and said "Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing your conversation on the train, so I just wanted to give you this..."
Prior to this, Laura and I had been discussing shit boys, the fact she'd never had a valentine's day card, and general rubbish in general.
So, this dude produced a card that he had made out of a piece of paper that said "happy valentine's day" with some hearts drawn on the front, and inside it read "to the happiest women on the train!"
On the back it said "fact: 35% of people can't read maps."
(which was something we had also been discussing)
It was actually the nicest thing I think anyone has ever just off the cuff done in real life to us! Pretty much restored my faith in humanity, and made us both realise there are actually, seemingly, nice men in the world! Hurrah.

Top 5 UK Unsigned Bands of 2008

2009-01-18T17:39:00.001Z

1) Mob Rules.
Mob Rules come from Leeds, and are made up of singer Thomas Campbell, guitarist Ben Hirst, bassist Paul Steere, and drummer Conor Rickford. Think along the lines of His Hero is Gone and Man is the Bastard, and you should know to expect heavy, dirty and relentless power-violence which would make Eric Wood proud. They don’t have a MySpace or anything, so try and check them out next time they play a show in your town, or pick up the 7” from Static Shock Records.

2) The Shitty Limits.
The Shitty Limits are a totally great band. Straight up punk rock made with integrity and class, bought to you by a group of boys from Guildford. They toured with Fucked Up on their recent European tour, at the end of 2008, and have five 7”s out, all of which are available from Static Shock Records (run by bassist Tom Ellis), and there’s a CD/LP in the works. You can listen online at www.myspace.com/theshittylimits.

3) The Sceptres.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, The Sceptres only made it onto this list because of the Briony/Bryony connection, but let me assure you that you are wrong. The Sceptres are providing some of the most-rockingest dance-along punk music in the UK at the moment. Girl-fronted vocals provided by my girl Bry, and of course, featuring members of The Shitty Limits. Songs about getting drunk and fucking, clinical depression, and pugs on their t shirts, they are not to be missed. www.myspace.com/thesceptresthesceptres, 7” available from Dire Records.

4) Universal Orders.
Universal Orders are the newest offering from noise-making stalwarts Maya-Victoria Kjellstrand (formerly of Leopard Leg, Polly Shang Kuan), Frances –May McDormand, and Nikki Void. Expect music inspired by the mystics, astronomy, and insect formations, with chanting, discordant guitars, lots of distortion, really long songs and a very high level of intensity. No releases are currently offered, however they are playing a lot of shows across London, and can be heard at www.myspace.com/universalorders.

5) Broken Arm.
Broken Arm are another Leeds-based band, offering more well needed straight up punk rock. Influenced by Gang of Four, gnarly times, and party times, this band is totally, totally incredible. Former members of Sailors, Like a Kind of Matador and Tree, this newest formation is, in my opinion, the definite most successful. They have an album out on CDR, entitled Shields Mystical, which can be picked up from Sea Records, and goes massively recommended by me. www.myspace.com/brokenarmyo.

As seen in print...

2009-01-18T17:20:00.002Z

Pissed Jeans seemed to spend their entire year over in different parts of Europe in 2008. Starting off with the May ATP, followed by a full UK tour, and finishing at Primavera Festival in Barcelona, it was hardly any time at all before they were back playing the Halloween Release the Bats ATP. After providing the world with the glorious Hope for Men, their second full length release, and signing to Sub Pop Records in 2007, Pissed Jeans’ popularity seems to be snowballing. And quite rightly so. I speak to singer Matt Korvette about shameful ejaculation, sexual release, and boring girls...

When you played in Leeds earlier this year, at the Fenton, two of these dudes I know were at the urinals together when, without warning, dude 1 turned to dude 2 and pissed all over his jeans. How do you feel about inspiring this incident?
Unless it was consensual, I'm not really into that. Pranks can be fun, but that kinda crosses the line.

Later that night, the same dude who got pissed on also started a load of fights in the crowd, meaning he was not just pissed on, but also pissed off. Are anger and vitriol responses you like to inspire in your audiences? It's got to be better than playing to a reaction less-audience?
Yeah, anything is better than playing to a bored crowd. I'd prefer people don't fight or act like idiots, but at the same time, I'm not going to dictate how people should react to our set. Really, if someone is being a jerk and bothering other people in the crowd, I would urge the rest of the crowd to take matters into their own hands and do what they feel is necessary. I can't recall anyone ever really being totally disgusted with our performance, although it surely must've happened once or twice.

Is your cum really something to be ashamed of?
Maybe not, but it doesn't stop those feelings after a wasted night looking at porn on the internet, when that time could've been spent doing something more constructive.

Shame in the face of sexual desire can often be attributed to a religious upbringing. I have plenty of friends who, despite rejecting the shackles of their childhoods, still struggle with the issues a Catholic/religious brought-upcy can bring. Are there any issues of latent religious guilt at play here? Yeah, I was raised in a Christian household, and while it wasn't super strict or horrible by any means, there's no way that specific morality didn't leave an impression on me. I wouldn't necessarily change a thing about how I was raised, though.

Your performances, from what I have seen, seem to have a pretty sexual vibe to them. Does playing live provide you with a sort of "safe" outlet for the sexual depression (and repression) you sing about in your songs? Is it easier being this sexual deviant guy up on stage, you know, putting out there what you're about, and letting that side of yourself come out in a context which can't render rejection or a negative response as such, because you're not directing your sexuality towards one person?
Damn, that is quite an analysis. I generally just like to have fun live, and let myself go. I try not to get too caught up with the social norms of being in a punk band or do what they are normally expected to do. Playing live is a great release in general, and sexuality can certainly be a part of that. I also want to make sure we put on an entertaining show, and that can be a part of it.

Performances in your live shows are actually strangely alluring. Do you get much female interest off the back of shows? If yes, is it ever kind of depressing that these girls sort of, maybe want to sleep with you because you're in a band? Are you flirting with me? We get probably the same amount of female interest as any punk band composed of moderately-attractive guys. I welcome that with open arms, naturally. I don't find anything about it depressing, but that's probably just because we haven't gotten too much of it, really. I have a feeling that we can be a little intimidating to talk to, so maybe more ladies are interested and we just don't know it.

Do you really have a specified preference of boring girls? What's wrong with fairly interesting ones?
That song was written because I found myself physically attracted to girls that I have nothing in common with, the type of girls that sharing a conversation over dinner would be painful. Meanwhile, a lot of the girls I can connect with mentally do very little for me physically. That song is basically a lament about that conundrum.

You recently played the ATP Release the Bats shows around England. Those shows had some fairly big audiences. Is it harder to play these big venues? Do you ever just end up feeling slightly lost?
It's harder to connect with an audience when they aren't falling on top of you, but it's still a lot of fun. Just a different type of thing, really. It's especially fun when you play in front of a large audience looking like this:

I know quite a few people who won't go to see you unless you're playing small back-of-pub type venues, because they say the atmosphere which makes your shows work doesn't come across. How do the atmospheres compare for you in each setting? Which do you prefer? Does it bum you out that, although more people can see you play when you play the bigger shows, it's near-impossible to interact with them? It would be nice to interact with a large crowd the same way we do with a small one, but it's not really possible, so long as the stage has a big barrier and security and all that. I would hope that we can be entertaining to watch in either setting, though. Playing a large stage generally allows the crowd to actually watch what we're doing more, which is a nice feature. Small crowds can go crazy and climb all over you, but it might not be as visible for those in the back who don't want to get hurt or wet.

You seem to tour a fair amount, and play a pretty high number of shows abroad. What's been the best touring moment to date? Is the touring dynamic focussed on partying, or do you require a certain amount of down-time?
We actually tour a lot less than most bands, this year we just took a long time and went to Europe and the UK, which was great. I think we did a good job of balancing rest and play while we were on the road. I don't know if I can think of one specific moment on tour that was so great, but from our trip in May to Europe, I'd say the two best moments were playing a show with Lil Jon in Amsterdam and performing in France with "The Naked Gun 2 And a Half" playing behind us on a huge projection screen.

I suppose it could be said that you're from a hardcore background in terms of previous bands and the areas you've been involved with. Is it weird now, being signed to a big label? Do you have to do everything through lawyers? I helped my
friend interview Fucked Up for his zine recently, and they were talking about how their lawyers had to talk to these other people's lawyers..., and it all just seemed a bit crazy. It had never occurred to me before that this level of band would be operating through lawyers, although I have to admit, I'd never really thought about it much before.
Of course, even this interview is being reviewed by our stable of attorneys! Actually, we don't have a lawyer, and just make all our decisions ourselves. Things are generally the same as they've always been, but that's mainly because we don't really know how to make this more of a business than it already is for us. Being signed to a large label is definitely weird, but it's a great sort of weird, and really has been nothing but a positive experience so far.

What were you all like as teenagers?
Like regular teenagers, I guess? Generally we were less interested in kissing girls and more interested in playing music and wrestling each other and wearing costumes and skateboarding. That sort of thing.

Which do you prefer, and for what reasons: Shallow or Hope for Men? I don't know that I have a preference; I think both are pretty great. I probably just prefer certain songs from both. When we play live, we play songs from all our records.

To me, HFM sounds a bit darker and a little bit more disgusting, overall, than Shallow. Was that intentional? Yeah, I think we tried to push things a little farther. Especially since it was our first release on a big indie label, it was nice to show that we can actually get nastier sounding, rather than cleaner.

How does the song writing come together? Who is in charge of what, and how is the chemistry in terms of the writing process?
I write all the lyrics and Brad writes most of the guitar riffs, but besides that, it's a pretty collaborative thing. We all offer advice to each other, and generally it's worth taking. Some songs are totally written in a few minutes, others take weeks… it's pretty fun to not just have some specific formula we have to stick with.

Are you planning anything else right now, release or tour wise?
No tours planned at the moment, but we'd like to go to the West Coast next year, since we've never really played out there. We're going to record another album in January or February, pretty excited about that.

Lots of people have made puns like "Pissed Jeans offer hope for men!” Do you?
We try!

What a Fucking Mess.

2009-01-18T17:19:00.002Z

Fucking Mess LP Brainbombs
Released: 2008
Here we have the new offering from Swedish no-fi trash group Brainbombs, which, happily, stays true to form and provides a steady rhythmic foundation, upon which saxophones, creepy vocals and shed-loads of effects are interspersed and piled on top. Think No Trend with a gun held against their heads. It basically sounds like a load of mud and broken glass is forcing itself out from your speakers and into your room. But in a good way. Probably not a good purchase if you’re easily offended, with tracks focussing on everything from murdering prostitutes, a hatred of women, to violent stalking. You basically can’t miss this if you like good music, though.

Espionage in review

2009-01-18T17:19:00.001Z

Espionage 7” The Shitty Limits
Released: 2008
The latest offering from Guildford foursome The Shitty Limits offers perky riffs, the best of 60s garage, 70's punk, and 80's hardcore, catchy songs which will lodge in your mind for days, feel good sing-along joy, and a consistently high level of masterful song writing ability. Just what we’ve come to expect, then! Espionage is infectiously enjoyable, and proves, just in case we needed reminding, why The Limits are the UKs most popular punk band of the moment.

Gig tonight.

2009-01-18T12:36:00.003Z

The Grosvenor, Stockwell.
Playing are:
Fashion - straight up hardcore punk made by Australians living in London.
Methodist Centre - North London punk upstarts.
The Wankys - from Leicester with love.
Gift Gas Attack - Chaos.

£5 in on the door. Doors at 7.30.
Nearest tube: Stockwell
Buses: 333, 345.

TonI Collette appreciation

2009-01-18T12:33:00.001Z

Although I liked the part she played in Muriel's Wedding, I have to say I prefer Collette's roles when she's being all sassy and zingy and shouting at idiot men - see: her performance in Little Miss Sunshine, which sees her battle with a self-indulgent, arrogant, and painfully clueless nu-age business pioneer husband (he's basically one of those harsh jokes humanity plays on the rest of the world), a mainly thankless family, a ridiculous cross-country roadtrip, and her gay brother who keeps trying to top himself. Team all this with snivelling Nietzsche-worshipping-angsty-teen-of-the-year and you have yourself one heady bastard mix of collective shit hitting the fan breakdown style. Does that make sense? Maybe. I also like her role in LMS because it shows, in true light, that men are stupid and women are brilliant.
Grandfather: dies from taking too much crack. Or something.
Husband: fucking idiot who believes in life-steps plan bullshit schemes. What? Automatically discredited as a man of any worth.
Son: ultimate pain in the arse, at first won't talk, and then when he does, starts spouting all this inane "profound" and "well deep, man" shit about actually nothing really when you actually think about it. There's not even a perk of him being attractive, because, well, he isn't.
Brother: meant to be dead clever yet keeps trying to top himself because of some dude with waxed eyebrows.
Q: How many women in this film do you see trying to top themselves because of a dude?
A: none.
Exactly. Because girls are cool and boys drool shit out of their mouths and puke angst out of their eyes (at least in this world), and it's funny really, because given the fact that her universe is filled to the brim with the type of men who make my vagina want to seal itself up, I reckon it would drive me to suicide within 24 hours. However, credible woman that she is, she manages to cope, just about, and makes it to the happy ending. Slight questionable inconsistency in the fact she married such a down-right labia muncher in the first place, which I will assume can be explained on the grounds that either a) he was not always this bad, or b) temporary insanity on her part. Lonliness can do funny things to a woman. Don't pretend you don't know it. You know it.

You want technology? Here it is!

2008-11-28T13:31:00.002Z

Nimsy Vibro Max
Hummm…. with a name like Vibro Max you could be forgiven for thinking Nimsy’s latest device is ruder than it actually is. Take a closer look though and you’ll see it’s actually a MP3/iPod Speaker System… with a difference. The dinky black box transforms any flat surface it sits on into a sounding board, making speakers redundant and allowing bigger vibrations to pulse though the entire table top, which creates awesome sound quality and makes my old MP3 docking system with built-in speakers (of the same price) sound like a crackly old radio in comparison.
Just a couple of minor draw backs for me though… for one there is no carry case, which means transporting it may prove a bit tricky. And it is mains only, with no option for batteries, which means no soundtrack to those nice sunny picnics in the park. Overall though, the Vibro Max is £50 well spent.

Jason Lee, SCIENTOLOGIST.

2008-11-28T13:30:00.005Z

Remember that despairing, sinking feeling you got when you found out that genuine heart throb Bruce Willis was a Dubya-loving Republican? That fleeting denial that one of your most favoured celebrites could have fooled you for so long, "No, no, it's all a mistake! There's no WAY he could believe in something so ridiculous!" Then, as the dust settled, the hours spent on Google searching for evidence to the contrary started to blur into one hazy stretch, you began to give up and accept that yes, beautiful Brucey is indeed, a terrible fool. Well, prepare to feel a whole lot worse, as I take a look at the official (according to, well, me) Top 5 Most Disappointing Celebrities to Have Been Revealed as Scientologists. This week...

At the very top of the list, we have the reigning King of Upsetting Discoveries, the beautiful Jason Lee. I cannot really describe the sheer and utter bereavement I felt when I eventually came to terms with the fact that, yes. Jason Lee is a Scientologist. Arguably most notable for his television programme My Name is Earl, Lee started off life as a professional skateboarder in the late 80s. He also appeared in the video for Sonic Youth's 100%, providing viable evidence to suggest that he wasn't a total moron. On top of this, Lee appeared in Kevin Smith's very brilliant Mallrats (and lots of other Smith films after that), which, when combined, provide a completely flummoxing foundation on which to build a lifetime's dedication to the most ridiculous of all religions. To make things even worse, Lee's actually part of the Human Rights of Scientology Board, which means he believes that psychotherapy, and all sorts of other useful medical developments, are fundamentally evil. Bad form, Lee. Bad form.

Another development from those clever iPeople.

2008-11-28T13:30:00.003Z

iPod Alarm Clock
I first came across the iPod alarm clock when it was the cause of a domestic row between a couple I know… there would apparently be a nightly tussle as to who got to pick the next morning’s songs. The idea is simple really- you choose a song from your iPod library and the jolly-looking device (shaped like a cute retro alarm clock) will strike up in the morning right on cue, awaking you with the song of your choice. This is a cool idea in theory, but the novelty soon wore off for me- it is really just an iPod dock with an alarm function. On the plus side it does charge up your iPod whist it sits in its dock and is fairly good sound quality, although there is no LED display telling you the time, which for me kind of defeats the object of having a clock by your bed side.

Tune in to...

2008-11-28T13:17:00.002Z

EASY ECLECTIC with Simon B @HubRadio.co.uk
HE SAYS ABOUT IT:
Radio show, Friday mornings 9-11; a veritable smorgasbord of laidback/soulful/bucolic/exotic/otherworldly vibes.
Listen to it streaming at www.hubradio.co.uk or 1449AM.
Oh and apologies for the cheesy title...needed something in a hurry!

If you fancy something different, give it a try.